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Dark Night of the Soul

January 9, 2019

Twenty years ago when I was (seemingly) all alone, I was in the depths of despair. I struggled with depression so severe, I was in so much emotional angst that I only wanted "out". I put on what I thought would be a good CD to die to and I collapsed to the floor crying. I bawled and bawled and when a song came on that I normally would have skipped, I didn't have the strength to even press the button. Before I realized what I was doing, I found myself praying. I prayed to be taken out of this world or for some answer, some direction to guide me through the anguish. 

I didn't know it then but the simple act of praying sends the message out to the Universe that you believe someone or something somewhere who will hear your prayer and provide you with an answer, a solution. A source so vast it can provide everyone who prays with all that they need.

For me, on that cold dark night of the soul the answer came in black and white text. Not from the Bible or other religious book, but from a lyric. One line of a song I had heard over and over again but had never truly listened to. 

"I won't be made useless. I won't be idle with despair."

I realized immediately my mistake. I was being idle with despair!! Crying was not an action but an emotional response to the pain. Perhaps it was an outlet, but it was no action. Every time I found myself in the deep dark emptiness of my own life, I did nothing but stop and cry. Idle in despair! But what I did differently this time was take action. I prayed! Praying... that was an act. What I didn't realize was that the moment I prayed I was connecting to the source that provides all. Everyone with everything. You simply need to ask for it. In almost every religious text, it states "ask and you shall receive". The key is you must remember to ask.


{adapted from my personal diary entry from December 2004 - I came across this journal entry today and when I realized the date and did the math, it was over a decade sooner than I believed my spiritual journey began. Who knew?!?}

Lyric Credit: 'Hands' - Jewel

My Journey... in words.

An ongoing series of informational insightful blog entries

The Awakening

August 4, 2018

It was the first major loss of my life. Sure, I had had grandparents pass and an aunt, maybe heard of a few people from my old high school that didn't make it, but no one I was super close to. Until the fall of 2014. 

The summer leading up to it was to be one of the best of my life. I was single, newly dating and co-parenting with split custody that allowed me plenty of time with my son and for my adult life.  The teacher's were on strike and since my ex was laid off of work, we pulled our son out of daycare and he got to spend every day with his Dad at the beach, swimming or playing catch in the yard.  It was a magical time and I was feeling so blessed that he had the opportunity to get that time together when a lot of other families were struggling to field the cost of added childcare expenses and time away from their kids.

I started to have very vivid dreams. To be fair, I have always had a very active dream life. But typically, upon waking, I would easily forget what the dream was about and be left only with the lingering feeling of it.  These dreams were different.  I remembered them as clearly as I recall a coffee date with a friend, or a museum visit on a class trip. Vivid. I was being guided.  

My guide? 

A stranger to me.

An older, slight grumpy woman, with blue hair and bold red lipstick, and an unforgettable chain-smoker's voice (think Marge Simpson's sisters).  She was supervising a bicycle factory from a mezzanine office. She would close the window to 'teach me' the ropes and when her job pulled her away, she would open the window, and in the sweetest put-on voice she would guide her employees below. "Oh honey, you need to put the screw in the hole there or the seat will fall off." Returning her attention to me, she would scowl about her job. "I can't believe I have to be nice up here." she said to me as she explained how she even 'had to' send butterflies to her niece as a sign from heaven. I was able to put two and two together and still within the dream, connected her to this new fellow I was seeing. Being open to psychics and having seen some medium shows on TV, I was familiar with the concept of talking to the dead, but I had never done it myself. I took advantage of the situation to get insight into my new love interest. 

I asked her to tell me about him. She showed me a vision, like a memory, of him at the buffet table loading his plate with food and making fun of him for taking so much sauce.  

The whole dream allowed me to understand how things work on the other side, to fully come to believe that the dearly departed are never far away and that they really do communicate with us through signs and dreams.

I described my dream guide to my boyfriend and he confirmed it was his aunt that had recently passed.  His last memory of her alive was at that buffet table getting made fun of for putting too much sauce on his plate. I think I was more shocked than he was that my dream was in fact 'real'. Wow! what did this all mean?

Then I started hearing the voice. 

A woman's voice. Outside my head. Different than my own voice, or the many thoughts passing through my mind. Different than anything I had ever heard before. And it warned, repeatedly, minute by minute for days, in a strong confident tone. She said "Your ex is going to commit suicide. Your ex is going to commit suicide...."

Over and over. I thought I was going crazy!

Since the woman guide in my dream had been connected to my new boyfriend, I assumed this new message was for him too as he had been complaining about his ex's depression and drinking.  I felt SO bad. I did NOT want to relay this message to him.  So instead, I broke up with him.

The voice stopped.

And two weeks later, my ex, the father of my son, lost his own battle with depression and took his own life.

I was floored.  

The message was for me.

How could I have been SO wrong? How could I have not listened to the voice?

I made myself a promise right then and there, to never ignore my intuition again.

It was about this time that I discovered the TV show Mom's a Medium on CMT. I started to be drawn to all things psychic and loaded up on any information I could find. That led me to taking Awaken Your Spirit Level 1 and Extensive Mediumship Level 2 and becoming a certified Medium under Carmel Joy Baird's stamp of approval.

This is how I began my journey to where I am now... doing readings and helping others during their time of grief the way she helped me in mine. +++